My TRUE Fitness Level
Lately, I’ve been feeling stiff. Since I started work this past Wednesday (awwww yes), I’ve been feeling extra tired. Mostly, at least I thought, it was due to sleep.
I know now it’s because besides working, all I do is relax at home and sleep. Reality has sunk in!
It’s what I’ve been doing since I left my last position as the super part-time HR person for this company many miles away from me. Hell, even then, it took me some time to want to go to the gym.
Today, I did a downward facing dog position. I felt my back and legs stretch. It felt AWESOME. I even did it again. When I went to grab something I dropped on the floor, I didn’t feel dizzy. My face didn’t instantly get warm/flushed.
Yes, that’s how bad it’s been. I’ve spent so much time worrying and obsessing over the “how” I never actually got into the “doing” part.
A really bad “Ah ha” moment. I know. Bad Allie.
Which brings me to my next “Ah ha” moment…
My Weight and Me
I had a very eye-opening experience.
So, I read this article awhile ago saying how Americans don’t view themselves as overweight as they are. I remember seeing it and thinking “that’s ridiculous, even I know how fat I am and that’s why I’m trying to lose the weight!”
That was…uh, maybe when I was twenty pounds lighter.
I recently looked in the mirror. It’s been MONTHS since I put on make-up in a full-length mirror.
It’s bad, guys. Not only in a looks-only basis, but just awful.
I feel gross. I feel disgusting. I LOOK disgusting. I’m not trying to promote having an unhealthy image of yourself as a human being, but right now, that’s how I feel about myself.
315 pounds isn’t healthy for my height and such. It’s just not. Morbid obesity is not okay for a person to live with. I’m ashamed of myself and what I’ve become. I wish I could have made better choices.
And above all: NOT be afraid to go to the gym.
Gyms (Rant Incoming)
But I am. Oh the Gods know how much I hate it.
Here’s the thing: I like working out.
What I DO NOT like, however, is getting the stares, snickers, and the “loud whispers” of judgmental people at the gym.
People snicker as I walk by lifting weights or go by the weight lifting machines
People snicker when I’m sweating on a tread mill
You know what else sucks? Knowing people with cameras take pictures of other people at the gym (just Google something along those lines; its disgusting).
It’s fucking rude. I’m there, among other people, to get better and for some fucking reason, they think they’re entitled to make fun of those who desperately need help.
I have this inclination to “Hulk out” at these people: basically, I imagine taking their phones by ripping it from their hands and throwing it against the wall.
Back to basics, plain and simple. Tasting food. Feeling when I’m actually hungry versus just craving something. Basic body workouts. Going to the gym for some cardio, but mostly machine weight lifting.
Quick note: I’m not touching the dumbbells yet because I am extremely weak (they start at 10lbs at my gym). I have 8lb at my house and I’ll tell you guys, it’s a damn challenge for me. I am starting with nearly so muscle.
What IS stopping me?
Lack of control. When things get out of control for me (my Mom having an episodes, losing jobs, getting sick; things that have been happening all year) I tend to just say “fuck it”.
Unfortunately, this is where I need to stay focused. I see that now more than ever. You guys would have been proud of me: instead of flipping out last week when my Mom had yet another episode, I stayed focused. I did let myself freak out and just binge and let life overwhelm me.
For now, this is Allie saying “I’ll be back”.