There are days like today where I feel like the world is closing in on me. There are so many things I have to do (or that I want to do) but I can’t find the gumption to stand up and do it. One little thing goes wrong and suddenly, my entire day “collapses”.
This past week I’ve been sick with pneumonia. My right lung feels like it’s blocked. I physically feel better, but as a result of having a really hard time breathing, I didn’t go to the gym.
What doesn’t help is the Prednisone. It makes me feel completely on edge. And hungry. Every little nugget of wisdom I’ve obtained from this year or in the past from controlling my hunger flies out the window. I didn’t go to TOPS this past Thursday. I just feel like every ounce of added stress just throws me into a tizzy of some sort.
I totally didn’t hit my goal of writing my story. It’s not the end of the world, but writing it does make me happy. This blog post alone is making me nervous.
As for this week’s goal, I think hitting the gym 3 times again this week is good enough. I also want to add the stipulation of enjoying it.
We Dad found a hydrocodone pill on the couch yesterday. It randomly appeared and according to my Mom, she has no idea where it came from. My dad and I both know she’s lying.
What hasn’t helped my nervousness this weekend is noticing how my Mom is acting a little “off”. I’ve been dealing with this for my entire life, so I know something is not right. Of course, she swears up and down she has no idea where it came from. She is desperate to think we believe that.
When I finally go permanent in my job, I’m moving out. I can’t handle this anymore. I am jeopardizing my health and well-being. I never feel like it’s my “turn” to feel normal or more importantly, safe. She just can’t act like an adult. I’ll miss my cats (I can’t split them up: that would be unfair to them) but some days I find myself heading towards a nervous breakdown.